Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Dear Probably-Scientologists I Encountered on Sunset Boulevard,

[photo via Snap Man]

Dear Probably-Scientologists I Encountered on Sunset Boulevard,

It wasn't clear at the time that you were probably Scientologists. That knowledge came later, when we told this story to our LA-resident friend Kelly. No, at the time, we just thought you were weirdo scammers with the most inefficient way of getting people's contact info ever.

"I don't want to be creepy," you said creepily, "But are you guys models?"

Dude. We are obviously not models. I easily weigh twice as much as an Agyness Deyn (okay, maybe, like, 1.75 Agyness Deyns) and am an inch shorter than her. My friend here? She's four months pregnant. Models, we ain't.

And that you thought we would think you were somehow involved in the modeling industry? Is laughable. Your outfit, sir, appears to have been cobbled together from dead stock from the International Male catalog, and your girlfriend? Might actually be wearing sweatpants. We're in Los Angeles, guys. I thought you were supposed to be cool. Guess New York wins again.

"I just saw you guys taking pictures of each other and having fun, and I thought you must be models." Neither of these things (taking pictures of each other/having fun), as one of my friends pointed out, are things models are known for.

Things Models Are Known For:
- being thin
- having pictures taken of them
- smizing*

That's kind of it. Models are not even really known for being "beautiful" anymore, because that whole "weird-pretty" thing is in. Have you ever really looked at Lily Cole? Obviously, she is super-pretty, but I bet if you saw her in real life, you would be like "Damn, child, your eyes is far apart!" But she's wide-canthal-distancing her way to the bank, so bully for her.

"Do you have a business card or something? I think you'd be great for this project I'm working on." There is no situation in which this phrase does not make you sound like a porn producer. In fact, maybe you were a porn producer. Although I think even porn producers dress better than you.

"Too bad you're in from out of town, the project won't be getting started for a few months." This is, I think, the most telling sign that you were Scientologists. They need several months to properly brainwash someone, so out-of-towners are less useful to them.

What I really wanted to say to you was: "I know this is a scam. You are not a modeling agent. WHAT IS YOUR SCAM?!" But I didn't, and I have to live with not actually knowing what you were alluding to. But I will gladly accept the theory that you were Scientologists.

Thanks for the story,
Anna (and Kristy)

*according to Tyra


Tanya Stanfield said...

Best. Letter. Yet. A little Chi-town perspective here: When someone asks me if I'm a model, it usually turns out to be a Mary Kay lady trying to lure me into the Pink Cadillac fold.

However, if a dude actually says that to me one of these days, I will automatically assume Scientology, as there is a center in my hood...

Laura said...

Two things:

Tanya, so true about the Mary Kay ladies. They are relentless, and really need a new opener. "OMG, I looooooove your skirt!!" No, you don't. I am not peddling your crappy makeup.

Two: There's a Scientology Center in some weird storefront in Chicago, and one time I was waiting for the bus and they were all outside eating cake at some sort of sad "Welcome to Scientology" party. I was tempted to get audited in exchange for some of that cake.

Movie Maven said...

The cake is full of thetans! Do not eat it!

kriesekl said...

Love it!! Amazing. And I still maintain that that's what he was...poor suckers that buy into his 'project'.