letters to things: March 2009

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Dear Roommates,

[photo courtesy QuintanaRoo]

Dear Roommates,

I don't know what was going on with the gods of Craigslist when they brought me to you, but whatever it is, I wish it upon everyone. You are the best. Like - ever. Let's always drink red wine and have sundaes made of vanilla bean ice cream, Hershey's syrup, chunks of frozen raspberries, and marshmallow fluff. Every day.

See you in the living room,
Anna

Dear Life,

[photo courtesy just.k]

Dear Life,

STOP SUCKING.

Thank you.

Yours in business,
Nicole Smith

Dear New Space Age Microwave in Our Breakroom,

[image courtesy davidszondy]

Dear New Space Age Microwave in Our Breakroom,

Thank you for replacing our old brown box of a microwave with your sleek, shiny newness. You are so curvy and blue, like an astronaut cooking station from the year 3000, imagined by a Hollywood film director in the year 1969. Your hip design! Your mod curves! Your clean lines! Your black, reflective window is like a window into my very soul.

But tell me, please... how do I turn you on?

Your humble servant,
Laurie

Dear 2009 Jeep Unlimited,

Dear Jeep 2009 Wrangler Unlimited otherwise known as Rusty,

Thank you for being so much quieter than my old Wrangler “Pete” - (who I loved deeply and always will), but still being a kick ass 4x4. Thank you for having a 6 cylinder engine instead of 4, so that I can drive up hills without wishing I could stick my feet out the bottom ala “The Flintstones”, thank you for being my first new vehicle, and being so dang affordable right now. Thank you for making me the coolest chick I know.

Your owner and friend,
Steph Boyd

Dear Sabra Hummus,

[photo courtesy nerdrock3r]

Dear Sabra Hummus,

You are so creamy and delicious. The extra dollar I pay for you is well worth it. And so many varieties! Greek Olive, Tahini, Roasted Pine Nut, and - oh my god - Supremely Spicy. Thank you so much for existing.

Pax,
Anna

Updated:

I emailed Sabra on Saturday, when I originally posted this, and got a reply today.

Hi Anna,

Thank you for emailing Sabra Dipping Company. We are glad that you are enjoying our products and I have forward your information to our Technology Department.

Please forward your mailing address and I will be glad to send you 1 VIP coupon. In the future, if you need to contact me, I can be reached at 631-753-5370.

Thank you

Diane Gordon

Dear Fifty Foot Zach Efron,

[photo by artfxmurals]

Dear Fifty Foot Zach Efron,

You are the Godzilla of our generation. Do you realize that your new movie is about having the power to be seventeen again?

Good Luck with High School Musical 13.

Lauren

Dear The Big Bang Theory,

[photo courtesy kayek25]

Dear The Big Bang Theory Mondays on CBS,

I like your TV-ready "nerdy" cast members. I like your savvy use of scientific jargon. I even like your extremely cliched/1980s-style sitcom plots, as they transport me back to the days when the TGIF lineup was the pinnacle of comedy for my unformed sense of humor.

But sometimes when we're together, I feel like I just made out with a polo shirt-wearing dude who uses the word "bro" in earnest and lists one of his interests as "hanging out lol". That is, it was fine while it was going on, but I wouldn't want to brag about it to my friends later.

I think it's the laugh track.

I still love you, though.
Anna

Dear Vegan Chocolate Chip Scone from Whole Foods,

[photo by roboppy]

Dear Vegan Chocolate Chip Scone from Whole Foods,

You are a little piece of heaven and (unlike my last boyfriend) you have never left me unsatisfied.

Thank you for all you do,
Kat

Dear Hair,

[photo courtesy seaofteeth]

Dear Hair,

Your need to be washed every single day is really starting to annoy me. Is it cool if we just pull you back today? Mama's tired.

I still love you. I just need some space.

Yours forever,
Anna

Monday, March 30, 2009

Dear Alcohol,

Thanks for everything.

xoxo,
Clover

Dear Boss,

[photo courtesy isado]

Dear Boss,

Are you in the running for some sort of Best Boss Ever Competition? If so, you are doing very well. Taking me to get a FREAKING MANICURE in the middle of the workday and then buy me lunch was so nice that I am starting to get suspicious.

Are people really this cool?

Do not betray me,
Anna

Dear Heels,

Dear Heels,

Why do you hurt my toes?

-Carolyn

Photo credit: sheilaannkeller

Dear Stephen Colbert Tote Bag,

[photo by MitzaBot]

Dear Stephen Colbert Tote Bag,

I love that you bring a smile to my face, but when people smile at me on the subway it freaks me out. This is New York City not Connecticut. Please Stop.

Cheers,
Lauren

Dear Brazilian Wax,

[photo by F8th]

Dear Brazilian Wax,

Why do I put up with you? You are painful to get, fucking expensive and completely unnecessary. And yet...I continue to come back for more.

You are like mediocre sex. During the thing, all I can think is 'ok this is not good- I am not doing this again.' and then the second it is over, I'm like 'yeah...I'll probably do that again.'

Your ambivalent acquaintance,
Kat

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Dear Raw Food Diet,

[photo courtesy elvisripley]

Dear Raw Food Diet,

It was fun being on you for an hour today.

Then I realized spinach smoothies are disgusting.

And I ate a sandwich.

Maybe next time,
Laurie

p.s. Is that roast beef on top?

Dear Pantyhose,

Dear Pantyhose,

Why do you turn into a shredded mass of nylon upon making contact with my body? And how did you manage to convince everyone that you are an essential part of a professional wardrobe? And do you ever feel guilty about making me roast in the summer and freeze in the winter? Or making me spend $3.50 every time I have to wear you? Don't you think you could hold it together long enough to make it through more than one job interview?

Have I ever mentioned the fact that the sound of the word "pantyhose" makes me cringe? No? Well, it does.

-Carolyn

Dear Winter,

[image courtesy toothpaste for dinner]

Dear Winter,

I'm not sure how to put this, but...

I'm over you.

Let's try again next year.

Laurie

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Dear Red Bull,

Dear Red Bull,

It'd been a while since we had a rendezvous.

Yesterday you made me feel like I could do anything. Including have my heart explode out of my chest.

Thanks for inspiring me to frantically ride my bike down the Venice boardwalk to the swings by the Santa Monica Pier, where I proceeded to swing so furiously I thought I would throw up on the small young white children and the cholo teenagers. It was awesome.

Let's not make it two years until we hang again. Or let's.

xoxo, Gina Clover

Dear Computer Battery,

Dear Computer Battery,

Why don't you work anymore? It makes me sad when I am tethered to an electrical outlet.

Yours,
Carolyn

Dear Missing Photograph,

[photo courtesy leonski]

Dear Missing Photograph,

I know I hid you. Understand though, that it was only because I didn't want my boyfriend to know I already had framed pictures of the two of us - it had only been 3 months. But, now that I'm comfortable in the relationship, I'd really like to put you on my coffee table. And, my consistent rummaging through drawers and rearranging stacks of books in an effort to find you is scaring my cat. Please show up soon, because I'm moving next month, and the thought of finding you while packing is entirely too irritating to contemplate.

Thank you for helping,
The Neurotic Girlfriend

[submitted by: susanna]

Dear Nice Lady at the Bodega Who Opened My Plastic Bag,

Dear Nice Lady at the Bodega Who Opened My Plastic Bag,

Thank you for opening that plastic bag for me. I was really struggling with it.*

Love,
The girl with the black canvas bag

*I do struggle with those plastic produce bags. They never want to open, no matter how vigorously I rub their edges.

Photo credit: Plastic Shopping Gir l

Dear Flatiron Building,

[photo courtesy of cwbuecheler]

Dear Flatiron Building,

Thank you for surprising me every time I turn the corner of 26th and Broadway. Even though I've known you for three years now, you never cease to bring a smile to my face and make me wonder what it is like to have an office inside of you.

Never change.

xoxo,
Lauren

Friday, March 27, 2009

Dear (g)chat,

[photo courtesy of gizzypooh]

Dear (g)chat,

Without you, life would not be worth living.

Love,
Kat

ps- Please write me back this time.

Dear Starbucks Employee,

[photo of courtesy Julie]

Dear Starbucks Employee,

Thank you for giving me the Iced Soy Latte in addition to the drink I ordered because it was a mistake. It made me feel better about supporting such a giant corporation just to feed my caffeine addiction.

I wish you well in all your future endeavors.

xoxo
Lauren

Dear Sign Here Tabs,

[photo courtesy my iPhone]

Dear Sign Here Tabs I Just Found in My Desk,

Were you transported here from 1974? You certainly look like you were. And for that, I say: well done. Your retro aesthetic pleases me.

Cordially,
Anna

Dear Ricky Gervais Podcast,

[photo courtesy obliviopathy]

Dear Ricky Gervais Podcast (all seasons, but especially 1 & 2),

Thank you for your hilarity. Without you my morning subway rides would be oh so tedious. You have muffled the sounds of creepsters hitting on me as well as the hiss of men urinating near the tracks on more than one occasion. Clearly your versatility is bounteous. Keep up the good work.

Your loyal friend,
Kat

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Dear Totes Micro Umbrella,

[photo courtesy of atomicjeep]

Dear Totes Micro Umbrella That I Got As a Christmas Gift from My Temp Agency,

When I first received you and discovered that you were slightly smaller than a real umbrella, I scoffed a bit. I stuck you in my purse and promptly forgot about you.

Consider this my apology. I should not have treated you so callously. When it started raining today, you were really there for me. Thank you.

High and dry,
Anna

Dear New Neighbor,

[photo courtesy of jazzinwb]

Dear New Neighbor,

I think it's great that you love jazz because I love it too. However, if you play that Dave Brubeck CD one more time on repeat, I may be forced to counteract with Muzak.

And neither of us wants that to happen.

xoxo,
Lauren

Dear Nice Lady at the Bodega Where I Get A Bagel Every Morning,

[photo courtesy of ShellyS]

Dear Nice Lady at the Bodega Where I Get A Bagel Every Morning,

Today was a milestone in our relationship. Today, I did not have to tell you "no bag."

I feel really close to you right now.

Until tomorrow,
Anna

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dear E! True Hollywood Story

You really bring it every time.

That's all I can say.
Clover

Dear Picture Collage of Wentworth Miller from TV's Prison Break,

[photo courtesy imagin*a r t e .!]

Dear Picture Collage of Wentworth Miller from TV's Prison Break in a Time/Date/Temperature Picture Frame That Was Left Here by the Last Person Who Sat at My Desk,

You're obviously very attractive. I mean, you even have a speech bubble coming out of the Wentworth Miller on the far right that says "I'm cute," so clearly you're aware of your charms. But I don't even watch Prison Break. I'm not sure how you've sat on my desk for so long. But it's time.

It's time.

Good luck and God speed,
Anna