Dear New Apartment,
You were so full of promise, just three weeks ago. I arrived with my boxes and bags and you met me with sun-filled windows and the promise of a roommate-free life.
How can so much go wrong in so little time?
I checked everything before I moved in. Every light switch, every faucet, every window. And yet, in the past three weeks, nearly every piece of this apartment has fallen apart at the seams. The electricity's gone out, the bedroom window's fallen, both sinks have started dripping, the hall light's burned out, the faucet runs, the freezer doesn't freeze, the toilet's woken me with gurgles in the night, and the oven's simply never worked at all.
Through all of this, I have been the model of patience, New Apartment.
But today, you took matters to a level previously unseen.
Today, you crossed a line.
Today, the internet stopped working.
And now? Now you have gone too far.
With great concern and consternation,